Tag Archives: life

July 6, 2014 · 7:23 pm

You Remained “Jina”

 

Jina

 

It has been almost a week now since I lost a best friend to cancer.  She was an amazing person, not just because I say so, but because she showed it everyday to everyone.  If you ever met her, then you considered yourself lucky and you would know my words to ring true.

I have spent a few days knowing I wanted to say something in tribute to her, while watching others post their thoughts and feelings and share the great photos.  There is really no place you can start or end in describing her impact on the world.  Then I remembered the letter I recently wrote to her for her “50th” birthday.

Her wonderful, supportive daughters, Brittany and Taylor, came up with an idea for her birthday month in May.  They asked for us to each write a note, card or letter to her with any fun memories that would brighten her day.  At first, I had difficulty knowing what to write and then suddenly our life came flashing back to me and it all fell into place.

Instead of saying something new, I have decided to post excerpts from that letter I wrote her a short couple of months ago.  It’s not poetry, but she told me that it meant so much and brought her happy tears.  She also said it made her feel all warm and fuzzy and that it was PERFECT.

That is how she always makes me feel when I think of her still.  Rest In Peace, dear friend.  The void is deep, but memories of you will forever keep me strong.

I love you always,

Tel

Here is some of the letter I wrote to her:

                                                        May 12, 2014

 

Dear Jina:

Where do I begin to share with you the impact you have had on this person.   As I attempt to get words on paper, chaos continues to surround me.  What makes that interesting is the fact that I can quickly feel calmed when I realize you are my audience and I can block the nonsense out.

If I remember correctly, you came into my life somewhere around 4-5 years old.  I am sure I wasn’t the easiest girl to play with considering I could suggest dolls and jumping bikes off ramps all in the same sixty minutes.  You were a fair sport about most of my “ideas” even on the many occasions it was obvious to you that my plans were probably not always so thought through.   

We did play dolls, dress-up and assembly as well as football, tennis, and exploring my creek.  Now I can’t be sure, but I even believe we may have had a couple of issues with windows.  Well, getting into “hot water” with them anyway.  I’ve decided you are to blame for the “Amway” sales pitch (big of me, huh?) and I’ll take responsibility for the bear on a string and skate and the mysteriously delivered baby on mom’s door step. 

I will definitely never lose the sound of Bill’s keys and change jiggling in his pocket from the stairway as he would try to sound intimidating because we kept giggling after bedtime and your mom’s soothing voice as she counted my sheep.

Adulthood came calling for us both at an early age, but somehow we managed to stay connected and keep the friendship growing from different states.  We were less involved with each other at that time, but I never remember feeling like we were out of touch.  Remarkably, we always picked up right where we left off.

So now we’ve essentially raised our kids, and our husbands are still allowed in the house (not that it has always been easy to allow), and we are sharing more “adult” moments.  We’ll have to allow some, but if it is all the same to you, let’s shoot for as many ridiculous moments as we can stand.

As you approach “50”, you still look 25 to me.  Your grace and strength have added to that beauty and you continue to amaze me beyond words.  You boost my position in life just by knowing you.  You aren’t going to make me start paying for that, are you?

There is no way to express how unfair it is for you to go through this sickness, but God knows what He is doing and He picked one of His most special people to witness to others about His love, protection and promises.  I have been humbled to know someone who has a prayer request chain that stretches worldwide as your friends and loved ones have rallied around you in support.

Your strength as a fighter shines through fiercely, but again, you do it with such grace that is almost appears effortless.  One never knows how one will react if faced with a challenge, but now you know.  You stood up to that test and you continue to kick butt every day.  You make me aspire to be a better person.  Cry when you need to, but laugh more. 

Thank you for showing me what a real woman is capable of and for helping me to put things in perspective.  No matter what, you beat this thing.  You remained “Jina” and that is your best legacy of all.

Since I seem to have a gift of meaning kindness and making people cry, lol, I will end this letter on a funny note.

Dana and Julie, do they still have hair?  We yanked and combed and pulled without much care.  Wait, we’re going swimming now?  Do you have your Westwood tag on your suit?  Oh, Neil Sedaka, how I love your new 45, but Woolco is waiting for us to grab the candy loot.  To dance, to dance, to good ole’ Rocky Top, but alas, I no longer can make my boots scoot.  I suppose we’ll just have to open that cupcake shop now, oh crud, that means I shall become as large as a cow.

Happy Birthday, girlie!!!!! I love you from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!! Thank you for being on this crazy journey with me.

Love always,

Chantel

 

 

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

February 4, 2014 · 5:35 am

ENJOY THE NORMAL

<div style=”display:none;”></div>

Do you ever wake up and find yourself grumbling about having to do the same mundane tasks all over again?  I have.  ‘It’s time to make the doughnuts’, right?  We’ve all felt the vibrations from our own groaning.

As life will do, from time to time, it shows us a window that gives us that small glimpse of reality we so desperately need.  Thank goodness for the clarity.

As parents, we strain through our children’s stages.  We wonder if we’ll be able to endure one more mood swing or grounding (because we all know grounding a child is far worse on the parents).  In our work, we find ourselves completely spent some weeks and deliriously push through to the few off hours we may be able to find.

Is this all there is, we ponder??  I did not sign up for this life.  How did this happen to me?  I had such plans.  Well, get over yourself, because you have a pretty good thing going.

One day the boring might end.  One day you may find out life will never be ‘normal’ again.  You don’t go to work anymore.  Your kids grow up.  One day you have a spouse, one day you don’t.  One day you’re making repairs on your house, one day someone tells you you’ll never go home again.

We go through so many changes in our lives, but the constants, we take for granted.  I’ll go on that trip.  I will tell that person how I really feel.  I will call her tomorrow, she won’t mind waiting.  I will lose 20 lbs, I will go to church.  I will send someone a card of friendship.  I will paint that room.  I will learn to play the banjo.  I will make a date with my mate.  There are plenty of things to try, I just don’t feel like it right now.  I just want something better to come along.  I’m just so tired of the same old life.

Embrace the normal.  You’ll never realize what a precious commodity it is until you wake up one day and you are unable to turn off that annoying alarm and just ‘have a day’.  No rushing, no stressing, no wishing you were somewhere else.  No just everyday griping about living.  Normal is a beautiful thing, enjoy it.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

December 4, 2013 · 4:28 am

Worthful

<div style=”display:none;”></div>

As I was reading yesterday, I came across the word “worthful”.  It feels a little awkward coming off the tongue, but yet it is intriguing as well.  It means to “have worth or merit or value” or “being of worth”.  While that seems pretty simple, it’s not a word one hears very often, nor one that one might say very much.

Why do so many of us struggle with confidence and self-worth?  Think back to the earliest days in your childhood.  Do you remember how bold you were?  Do you recall believing that you could absolutely do anything that your mind could dream?  Why does that stop?

I observe so many people having wonderfully creative ideas, only to let those ideas be curtailed by one negative comment from another person.  Not only have I personally felt crushed by nearsighted opinions of my capabilities, sadly, I have found myself expressing the same shallow behavior.

Whether we can or cannot do everything we desire to try is irrelevant.  Whether or not we fit into someone else’s idea of proper, righteous or moral does not matter.  When did any of us get appointed to the position of all-knowing?

All of us deserve to feel needed, important and understood.  It doesn’t matter if someone processes differently than we do.  There are extraverts and there are introverts.  Neither is right, neither is wrong.  Some lead and some are content to follow.  Some personalities make sense to us, some don’t.  Each represents variety and that’s how God made us to be.  Who are we to question His design?

Believe in you.  Like who you are, challenge yourself to who you can become.  Accept council when you need to do so, but don’t let anyone, anyone, make you doubt the person you know you are.  As we age, most of us realize along the way that changes are necessary.  That is growth and it moves us forward.  What might have seemed right at one age, may feel completely different at another age.  That’s ok.  It is still good to stand for something important to us at that time.

While we undoubtedly will realize how misguided we are at times, all in all, we will fare pretty well.  No one ever deserves to feel like they don’t matter.  Even if you sometimes find yourself being the only one that does believe in you, never lose yourself.  This doesn’t give you the right to purposely be offensive, but even with good intentions, there will be some offended.  Don’t ever forget that worthful describes you.  You ARE a person of worth.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , ,

August 20, 2013 · 3:43 pm

Shopping and the 13 Year Old

<div style=”display:none;”></div>

I often wonder why I volunteer for certain tasks, but I continue to seek the painful.  Like this past week, when I naively said to my 13 year old son, “Hey, why don’t we go shopping for school clothes?”  Really, shouldn’t dad be sharing this bonding moment?

It may help to clarify that I am not exactly the ‘shopping enthusiast’.  I may just hold the record for speed buying and my wardrobe can prove it.  Trying to be the ever efficient mom, I boldly went where most likely, no mom should go.

We started in the shoe department where I was informed that all styles on display were ‘lame’ and ‘so last year’.  On to the underwear department where I was taught a lesson in several fabrics and holding shapes.  Truly, microfiber jockeys are ‘so this year’ and invaluable information apparently.  Exactly where did he gain that knowledge?  Infomercials?

Now at the T-shirt racks, I am feeling somewhat more safe and confident.  That was quickly shattered as I was informed that the V-necks I was presenting showed ‘too much cleavage’.  Seriously?

Jeans were enlightening as well as I learned that some were ‘mom’ jeans, some were ‘geek’ jeans, and even others were ‘shaped for idiots’.  I finally manage to find ‘acceptable, not too bad’ jeans and convince him to try a pair on.  Several minutes later he emerges without them on and says, “They fit.”  Like, what does that mean?  I quickly came to realize that he didn’t really care, because there was a girl at the entrance of the dressing rooms that was ‘hot’.  Oh, please help me.  Yes, we had the conversation about her being cute or pretty, and to please only refer to her as ‘hot’, if she is in fact, overheated.

Lastly, was the ongoing conversation throughout the store about the Rolex that he wished to purchase and that he wasn’t going to settle for a fake.   Not realizing a couple had been overhearing our banter, we finally make it to the checkout area.  At this point, the man breaks into a dissertation about Rolex watches and their cost and how to determine when they’re fake.  He was actually seriously sharing his knowledge.  I would have been more annoyed, except for the fact that my son just stood there with a completely priceless look on his face.  Eyebrows arched, completely still, disbelief spilling over.  Of course the entire time, I am behind the guy laughing.  After listening to him my son said, “Thanks, I feel like I’ve learned a lot.”  As we walk on, I am cracking up and he says to me, “Thank you for that, Mother.”  The laughing continues.

We ended our little adventure at the checkout with a guy that was so dull, that my son concluded he must have run out of his meds.  The gene pool study on this kid is still out, but I must admit the pain was indeed worth it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

June 30, 2013 · 2:54 am

The Healing Powers of Battle Wounds

<div style=”display:none;”></div>

Have you ever found yourself in a circle conversation, only to realize how special these people around you really are?  If you asked them how important they are, they may have a good opinion of themselves, but not for one minute would they ever presume they were outstanding.  The thought passes through your mind, “How did I never realize what was always there?”

As we go through life exaggerating our daily dramas, these strong, stoic persons have really lived them.  Although, the profound difference between the two is that you won’t hear them complaining.  In fact, it takes prodding to even know there are far more chapters in their personal stories than one could ever imagine.

They’ve lost husbands with small children to raise.  They’ve lost fathers with mothers to save.  They’ve endured front row seats to a child or sibling suffering and passing.  They were forced to say goodbye to the babies they never laid eyes on.  They watched virile men lose the battle to the wheelchair.   The ache was heavy as they saw their tenacious wives rendered motionless by the evils of stroke.  They were even forced to ignore the healthy ones, because it was just too much of a luxury.  Sometimes guilt was the worst enemy of all.

Let’s not forget these same souls were far too often suffering silently themselves with ailments that hindered their desire to care for all the others, so many others.  But again, no complaining.  No whining for attention or sympathy.  Only acceptance.  They see such a larger picture than the rest of us.  It is what it is, and they would expect no more.

They are not happy about the pain and sadness, but they are content with what they were given.  They hold tight to their loved ones and appreciate them daily.  They don’t ask for more than they need, and sometimes they should.  Yet they are always willing to pay forward love and strength to those like me, who truly have no real understanding of pain, only inconvenience of unwanted circumstances.

These beautiful, strong, inspiring souls show me what I want to be when I grow up.  I pray each day for their protection, and I pray thanks each day that I am blessed to have them in my world.  It seems like these wounds have only served to make them stronger, but the side effect of them certainly makes others stronger.  Their strength serves to give hope.  That hope makes the rest of us not give up.  It makes clear the bigger picture.  It vividly shows the truth that surviving is always possible, no matter what the odds, no matter what the injustice.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

April 27, 2013 · 9:56 pm

The Wolfman Cometh

<div style=”display:none;”></div>

With the passing of yet another full moon, I’ve come to realize I may be married to a descendant of mythical proportions.  Right on cue, every month, this usually mild-mannered human becomes restless and itchy.

Sometime about 2 days prior to the full glow, he starts shifting in his sleep.  The shifting turns into agitation and the agitation turns into almost inaudible, but definitely there, growling.

Sure, I checked the sheets for bugs but there were none.  I double-checked the laundry detergent, no “new formula” on the label.  I did notice there was more hair lying about, but then I realized that was probably just from the beagles.

By the night the full moon peaks, this person becomes almost unrecognizable.  He thrashes about.  The covers are stripped away.  He is sideways, he is sitting up.  The pillow is innocently pounded upon as the behavior heightens.  He is up and down, drinking what seems like gallons of water, but he seems to find no relief.

What will explain these odd occurrences?  Is it my husband? Is it the Wolfman?  Is it the beagles?  No wait, I remember distinctly hearing the dogs snoring.  Then it hits me, will I be the next victim that unwittingly allows myself to lie asleep (hair brushed, make-up intact, and of course wearing a gorgeous gown with matching robe gently laid at the foot of the bed) and become the next victim of this hairy, scratching beast?

I am frozen with fear now, unsure of his next move.  He sits up.  He looks toward the light filtering through the blinds.  My breathing almost stops.  He turns to look my way.  I slit my eyes to watch while lying motionless.  He stands up.  He turns back towards the bed.  Is he getting ready to pounce?  Are those claws I am making out, or had he just forgotten to clip his nails?  Panic is taking over.  He scratches his backside again.  Please, someone, help!

He starts moving…..what, what, what will he do?????  He reaches toward one of the beagles.  Why?  Not him!!!!  I start to lunge towards him to defend my baby, and then he shifts the dog’s behind further over in the bed.

I guess it is just my husband.  I guess he just can’t sleep.  I guess it just gets more annoying each month. I guess the beagles just don’t care.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

February 3, 2013 · 2:30 am

They’re Watching You

<div style=”display:none;”></div>

Eyes.  They are brown, blue, green, or hazel.  They are slanted, round, wide, or narrow.  They are what they are.  They remain mostly unchanged from infancy through adulthood.  So why is it that those same eyes that look innocent, sweet, eager and full of life as a young child, somehow turn us into a completely different looking being altogether as we age?

A picture of 5 year old eyes is cheesy, as they openly laugh back.  A shot at 15, they are big and bold, wide open.  20, look out world, they know everything, confidence oozing.  A more settled set of eyes show changing disposition at 25.  30, a slightly more somber look staring a little further past the lens as reality moves in and sleep is scarcer.  The peepers grin a little bit more at 40 as they realize they shouldn’t take life so seriously.  Calmly they look back at the photographer at 50, basically ready to spend some time apart from the camera now.

Suddenly they pass by a mirror and wonder who they are looking at.  The imposters seem darker, hollowed, and sadder somehow.  The personality behind them still lives.  The seventeen year old still wants to come out to play.  So where is the mischief?  Why do they stare so far out?

The years that follow show some happiness, some sadness, some weakness.  Then somewhere around eighty, the teenager seems to show up again.  They seem younger despite the wrinkles, full of sparkle, a little weary perhaps, but the mischief is back.

What are your secrets dear eyes?  Did you figure out the meaning of life?  I look forward to seeing your beautiful, fun, familiar stare again that I once knew.  You are welcome to visit me sooner than later.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as ,